Calkenstein, Or the modern Frankensomething

The low soupy mists were slow to shift on this early Autumn morning. I awoke to the angry vibrations of a mobile phone from some dark corner of our bedroom. Not expecting any such wake up call, and struggling to see through bleary morning vision, I strained to see the culprit… Unknown Caller!

I do not often answer calls from unknown numbers. I have retained the same phone number for many years, and as such, it appears to have found its way onto endless lists of call centre criminals. Yet something about the timing of the call was curious, and before I could consider the potential dangers ahead, I had clicked the green symbol to accept the call.

To my surprise, the caller did not confront me with an awkward quizzing about some imaginary accident for which I could be due compensation, but was a low, learned voice who offered a direct introduction and some intriguing instructions. She was sharp and to the point.

There was an old house nearby, by the name of Calke Abbey. The house had a rather mysterious history and held a treasure trove of antiquarian hoarding, filled with countless trinkets of a spectacular, surreal, macabre and sinister nature. In recent weeks, a strange incident had occurred upon the nearby Staunton Harold Reservoir. The caller recounted a tale of melancholy, terror and woe.

A mournful figure had been rescued from a raft, way out in the most isolated of reservoir waters. After some time assisting the man, it became clear he was of a surprisingly intellectual nature but appeared severely troubled. When pressed, he admitted to being out so far in the wilderness pursuing what he called, a Daemon. The poor soul went on to explain how his story was connected to Calke Abbey, a terrifying and mind expanding episode in the human endeavour for godliness.

Being aware of our family interests, the lady on the phone wished for us to visit the property, hear the tale in full and explore certain objects in the Calke Abbey collections which were, he claimed, connected to the unfortunate stray.

It was an unusual time for investigations. Dark spirits are frequently abound during this season. As far back as traditions reach, All Hallows Eve has been considered a liminal period, a time when the veil between the dead and the living could be lifted. A good time to stay home and stay safe, but the call had piqued our interest and so we gathered supplies, called in reinforcements from the Archaeograndfolk and set off for Calke Abbey.

Calke Abbey is a Baroque mansion which stands on the site of an Augustinian priory, with origins in the 12th century. Following the migration of the priory Canons to Repton, the site became a subordinate cell of Repton Priory. The estate passed through several hands following the dissolution of the monasteries by Henry VIII. The first to buy the lease for the estate was John Prest or Priest, a member of the London Grocers Company.

This is where our unfortunate drifter’s story began. For the ancient origins of the Apothecaries is tied to that of the Grocers. ‘Grossers’ had originally been responsible for the import and dealing of wholesale goods, including medicines, drugs, confectionaries, perfumes, spices and many other unique and exotic items. Since medicines in the 16th century were mostly based on imported herbs, London apothecaries and grocers were extremely familiar and as such, many of the apothecaries were members of the Grocers Company of London.

John Prest had sinister associations with such exotic imports, and it seems, a penchant for the dark arts. Our rescued gentleman spoke of secret laboratories in the deep catacombs of the estate, where Prest had dabbled in various forms of ancient magic in an attempt to reanimate the dead. His attempts had been unsuccessful, but had laid the foundations of scientific curiosity that would plague the heirs to the estate for centuries to come.

In 1585, the house was sold to extreme protestant Robert Bainbridge. Most believed that Bainbridge chosen Calke as a home knowing the parish was not under the control of a Bishop, therefore his puritan worship could remain unnoticed. According to the mysterious, recently rescued gentleman however, there was another more ominous reason for his being drawn to Calke.

Bainbridge was imprisoned in the Tower of London for disagreeing with Queen Elizabeth’s Church settlement. Whilst here, rumours spread that he was visited frequently by that most curious of characters, Dr John Dee. Dee was a mathematician, astronomer and teacher but was perhaps better known for his obsession with the occult. Our fellow claimed that Dee had been intrigued by the ancient alchemy of John Prest and between himself and Bainbridge, a plan was hatched to conduct experiments using ancient potions with modern technologies of the age. Little is known of the results, but there were unusual screams and wails witnessed on the estate over the decades following Bainbridge’s release from the Tower.

Calke Abbey eventually found its way into the hands of Henry Harpur in 1622, for the bargain price of £5350. The estate would remain in this family for twelve generations before the National Trust took over stewardship in 1985. It was Henry, 7th Baronet, who was responsible for beginning the vast collection of natural history which still adorns the house. During this period of 18th century enlightenment, the pursuit of intellectual science was considered of particular refinement and interest to many in high society. He also had a great interest in art, built a library and studied technology and society.

The fellow found adrift explained that during this period, the first glimmer of success had been attained. Henry’s so called interest in natural history combined with a fascination in modern science and technology had a more alarming objective. The gathering of corpses, the selection of anatomical literature, it all led to the same end, reanimation. The goal was gathering pace.

Following the death of Henry, 7th Baronet in a riding accident, the devout Christian, George Crew became the 8th Baronet. George focussed his mind on the community, rebuilding churches and funding new schools, ensuring better conditions for local people. He devoted his life and time to his family. He retained a passion for collecting and added many important artworks to the house. Whilst the unnatural pursuits quietened during this period, it seems they did not altogether cease, personal tragedy and family turmoil ensured the practice continued throughout the coming generations, albeit to a lesser extent. It only regained its fierce thrust in the practice upon the introduction of Sir Vauncey!

The 10th Baronet, Sir Vauncey Harpur-Crew continued the family fetish for natural history, delighting in the house gardens and adding to the already globally significant natural history collection, bringing all manner of specimens from various hunting expeditions.

Our storyteller explained how these respectable pursuits masked a far more insidious desire. To bring back a life from the dark clutches of death! And eventually, or so our drowned desolate castoff claimed, the age old desire had recently become an achievement!

Using the mass of collected artefacts and documents in the house, ancient relics of curative magic, dedicated, thorough studies of science and technology, medicines, herbs, spices, potions, literature, spells and blended with more than a little demonic ritual, a life had been wrenched from the eternal nothingness of death. Our friend on the reservoir had been hunting the demon, a demon that he himself had created. His hunt had been to no avail. The creature he had brought back to the world had taken on a will and strength of its own, and had left the poor creator in a very sorry state.

Hearing this incredible tale upon our arrival at Calke Abbey, we were keen to explore the house and discover the life producing laboratory for ourselves. Audrey led the way beneath the stone doorway and into the waiting room…

We were instantly face to face, with death.

Death was in the air and all around us. It hung on the walls in rows of severed heads and limbs. It stared back from macabre landscapes in curious glass cabinets. It was delicately stacked upon rickety shelves, masking the peeling wall paper and crumbling plaster. It was in the sombre faces of ancient portraits, each long removed from this mortal realm. Death was definitely on display. But what of life?

We continued through the incredible mansion. Dim lamp light illuminated countless stacks of curiosities covered in dust, faded paint and rusty metals, unmoved for centuries. Faces stared back from the dark, all kinds of faces, the waxy dead eyes of ancient portraits, the black hole cavities of dolls and rocking horses, the tentacled and teeth laden terrors of the insect and animal world. Libraries were stacked to the ceiling with ancient manuscripts covering every interest and intrigue of previous owners. Prehistoric weapons, items of ritual, medieval curiosities, worldwide trinkets of the macabre, all clustered together and labelled erratically. The entire house was a true cabinet of curiosities and we were gawp as if at the zoo.

Having scaled the heights of the building, we finally descended into the tombs, tunnels and catacombs. We rushed through pitch black alleys, moved delicately through old kitchens and stores where butchery was rife and the deliveries of all manner of specialist merchandise would arrive. Eventually we reached a tunnel, it was lit by candles alone and stretched hauntingly into the unknown darkness. There was no end in sight but we were informed this was where the demonic creature had been risen from its place in the underworld.

Treading carefully, we made our way through the brick lined passage, darkness engulfed us. Strange noises seemed to escape from the very stone we stood upon, the temperature seemed both blisteringly hot and freezing cold at once. We huddled close for safety and stumbled forwards, not knowing what fortune might await us. Ahead a light flickered menacingly. We picked up pace, hoping that light meant safety, desperate to retreat from the gloom and terror. As we reached the glowing chamber, we discovered the incredible miracle our host had described. The creature had returned to its place of rebirth. From the grasps of agonising death, it had risen, stronger and more wonderful than it had ever been in life. It was a spectacular site, its body and limbs renovated and conserved, the light burning bright. Rescued from the cliff edge of destruction, a survivor of death.

We gasped in unison as we looked upon… the National Trust gift shop, a testament to the heroes responsible for the resurrection of this incredible estate.

With another successful adventure complete, we enjoyed hot chocolates and cake before heading for home. If you are curious to see a corpse brought back to beautiful life, then Calke Abbey is definitely the place for you, but beware… it still seeks a bride!

Dungeness and Dragons

The scorched earth gasped in delight as an unexpected downpour threatened to sweep over the land. However, this brief respite was not the relief they had so desperately prayed for, but the radioactive residue of a devilish scout, scouring the land in search of new prey.

For as long as anyone could remember, the burn had dominated these lands. The air was thick and cruel, pumped full of toxins and choking smog. The life giving green had been well and truly scorched from the face of the desolate island, and all that remained was an ever longing thirst, and of course, the Glow.

Temperatures were rising, heating the core and causing vile things that had lain dormant for millennia to reawaken. Flora and fauna were devolving at unnatural rates to cope with the shifting climate. The world was changing and the Glow was taking full advantage. It was building an army to obliterate all of those unfortunates who were unable to adapt as swiftly or as keenly to the old world order.

The Glow, an inhumane illuminous entity, had survived since the earliest moments of creation. It had adapted on this island at the end of the earth into something modern and dangerous. It swamped the soul with unnatural villainy, causing a horrendous inner change in the infected. Its poison had spread across the land, all it touched were snared in a cruel trap. Soon it would be unstoppable, consuming life and hope like a plague.

Despite the precarious state of the island, The Extended Archaeofam, a band of brave warriors and intellects, set out from their fair homeland in the Bridge of Tons on a quest to vanquish the evil Glow and halt its plans of devastation and cruelty. Six battle hardened warriors, their eager entourage of aspiring apprentices and the brazen beast known only as Bramble knew precisely what dangers lay ahead, yet that brief fiery downpour was a warning, a call to arms they knew must be answered.

Setting off in a host of chariots, including one of the mythical silent variety, the warrior band followed a trail of raging storm clouds left in the wake of the Glow’s demonic scouts. The trail led towards the very end of the known earth. They meandered over antique tracks, through serene hamlets, once thriving, inviting and beautiful, now deserted and abandoned since the Glow had taken control of these remote outposts.

A rare sheltered stretch of golden grassland was chosen to make camp, a safe distance from the imposing danger of the Glow. The companions took great pains to create a fortress fit for their quest. The temporary home of the heroes was fully equipped with everything required to tackle their foe, great halls for feasting, shelters for rest, a kitchen and a communal forum, and an additional vast palace, giant and complex, its construction taking up much of the warriors important drinking time…

That evening the warriors consulted the endless ocean of stars above, brightly sparkling upon the blanket of black velvet oblivion called night, and requested guidance in divination for the adventure ahead. The signs were favourable and thus they celebrated with joyous drinking and merriment, singing songs of old into the evening air and toasting to the hope of a successful quest.

The nearest town with any remaining semblance of life was known historically as New Romney. It was here the fearless troupe would need to make initial forages for supplies and information regarding the location of the Glow and its demonic stronghold.

New Romney was one of the original Cinque Ports, five Anglo Saxon ports on the southern coast, until the harbour began to silt up and the land was reclaimed from the sea and utilised for agricultural purposes. As an old harbour town, New Romney stood at the mouth of the river Rother, a challenging estuary with narrow channels and sand banks. In 1287, there was a great flood of south England. Many parishes were completely destroyed, with muds, silts and debris smothering the dwellings. The river Rother completely changed its course during the floods, to run out into the sea at Rye. New Romney survived, and on a lesser scale remained in use as a port until the 14th or 15th century, when the harbour eventually fell out of use. The town retains a sweet port town vibe despite being over a mile from the current coast.

Having gathered supplies and fortified the camp, the band of warriors armed themselves accordingly and prepared for a showdown. The initial plan was to cautiously approach the shore. When at the ocean edge, they would attempt to secure suitable vessels and attack the poisoned peninsular from a sea route. It was hoped that a surprise from beyond the realms of the island would be the safest option. The plan was scuppered however, as soon as they arrived at the proposed embarkation of Dymchurch.

Dymchurch emerged from the gradual build up of the Romney Marshes. A sea wall existed here from Roman times to protect a port at Port Lympne. A Norman church, built around 1150 and dedicated to St Peter and St Paul is still operating today, though it has seen significant extensions and modifications. During the 19th century it became an important element in the coastal defence program, with the construction of Martello Towers and Redoubt Forts. Since the 1930s, Dymchurch has primarily been a tourist destination and boasts a range of holiday and amusement parks.

The toxic tentacles of the Glow had polluted this region long before our heroes could reach its hallowed shores. Neon nastiness had spread like a glowing bacteria over the once quaint smugglers sanctuary. The raging waters of the encroaching ocean were unnaturally warm and terrifyingly tempestuous. Even the food seemed somewhat polluted by the false contagion of the ghastly Glow. The band of Warriors knew only too well the dangers in attempting to approach the stronghold from this position. Desperate to go unnoticed, they retreated to their camp to regroup.

Unfortunately, they had been spied. The great gaze of the Glow had witnessed its enemy and retaliated in a brutal fashion. That night, our brave warriors were surrounded and savagely attacked. The Glow sent forth a horde of blood sucking demons to destroy its foe. These fiends swooped on our heroes, gorging on their flesh. The warriors would not be defeated so easily. They lit the beacons, flooding the air with fresh scents, deadly to the miniscule monsters hovering above. The enemy retreated. Wounded but victorious, the warriors took rest, ready for the epic battle ahead.

On a mission of reconnaissance, the tenacious team of mini apprentices had discovered a secret route into the heart of the Glow’s evil stronghold. It was an ancient engine, powerful enough to traverse the radioactive wastes and desolate landscape, yet small enough to evade the monstrous guards and the gazing eye of the Glow. It was the perfect plan. The warriors and their entourage armed themselves and set out immediately.

The Romney, Hythe and Dymchurch railway is a 15 in light gauge railway which clings to the coast of Kent between Hythe and Dungeness. The railway had been the dream of racing drivers Captain John Edwards Presgrave Howey and Count Louis Zborowski. It was officially opened in 1927, though King George VI (then Duke of York) had visited and driven the railway during construction in 1926. During the 2nd World War, a miniature armoured train was built for use on the railway by the British Military to patrol the coast in case of invasion. A fleet of locomotives now operate on the line taking approximately 150,000 passengers a year to destinations along the coast.

Sneaking onto the engine via a series of challenging hurdles and trials, the band of warriors sped towards their unsuspecting enemy. The surrounding landscape shifted and opened up, vast and alien, a sparse and haunting desert, dry and desolate at the end of the earth. The unparalleled barren wilderness almost revealed their approach. Fortunately the swift and stealthy engine made it through the soaring black towers and searching lights of the ghoulish guard stations, and to the very gates of the grim loathsome Glow.

Dungeness, or the headland at Denge Marsh, was first mentioned in AD 774 as Dengemersc. It remains one of the largest expanses of shingle in Europe. Dungeness is a designated National Nature Reserve due to its amazing bird and plant life communities. A host of lighthouses remain on the headland, constructed to warn approaching ships of the shallow headland waters. These lighthouses were constantly rebuilt or moved as the coastline altered over the centuries. The most prominent landmarks of Dungeness are its two formidable power stations. These Nuclear Power Stations, built in 1965 and 1984 respectively have both now been decommissioned, though the newer station continues in a defueling state.

Standing at the gates of the enemy, staring up at the gaunt grey towers and phallic funnels beyond, our fearless band of warriors lined up in battle array. The Glow, only realising the danger too late, attempted to organise its odious armies. Toxic plumes of neon waste intertwined and fused into a flurry of foul beasts, zombie sharks and skeletal crabs, blood sucking buzzards, gut-churning gulls and rabid dogs forged forwards. Humanesque creatures consumed by the pestilence of the abominable beastly Glow also emerged from the taverns to guard the vile gates. It would be an epic finale.

The ferocious battle raged on through the stifling merciless heat of the arid afternoon. It took every ounce of strength from our fearless heroes to fight through the throngs of ghastly glowing adversaries. The battle remained on a knifes edge, until the ingenuity of the apprentices produced an opportunity. It was a risky plan, but it had a chance…

The gruesome Glow emerged from its formidable fortress.

Its lethal light and noxious noise filled the air in an all consuming burst of rage and terror. Our heroes stood firm. Producing a collection of rare crystal tubes, the young heroes braced themselves, and in choral perfection, sang an ancient spell which reverberated through the desolate desert. The Glow wailed in agony as the crystal tubes burst open and sucked at its devilish lifeform, draining its dark power and containing it within the tubes forevermore.

The heroes held on tight as the tubes sealed and each shone brightly with the essence of the captured demon. They had done it. The island was rid of an ancient beast which had terrorized the tides so very long.

Weary but jubilant, the band of warriors made a final pilgrimage to the eternal ocean, now free of the vile grip of the Glow. It was a reborn experience, relaxed and wonderful. They cheerfully paddled in the expanse of ocean and mudflats, feasted on the rocky outcrops and bathed in the golden glow of an untainted sun. Soon they would return to the Bridge of Tons and prepare for future adventures and quests, but for now, our victorious heroes basked in the comfort of great company and glories won as the sumptuous sun sunk gently over the horizon.

And no one even thought about the impending horror of repacking the temporary palace… that, as they say, was a story for another time!

A Gift of Art

Our usual adventures are firmly planted in the wonderful world of history and heritage, ancient events, prehistoric landscapes, historic houses and all manner of other old stuff. Today, however, we dipped our toe into unfamiliar waters as we explored the fascinating field of Modern Art.

One of the most hotly tipped and highly anticipated new artists of our era was embarking on her first major exhibition. Nearly five years in the making, this unique and spectacular collection is challenging the face of the art world, and we were fortunate enough to be invited to its grand opening.

Better still, we had direct access to the artist and were allowed intimate exclusive opportunities to be a part of this incredible journey from concept to stunning conclusion. A collection which not only dazzles, but asks important questions about our place in this chaotic and confusing existence we call life.

Firstly, we must offer our apologies to the artist in advance. Whilst we have permission to reproduce a select number of the immense works here, we are aware that this was never how the artist envisaged the works being experienced. It is questionable whether these works were ever meant to be merely ‘looked at’ and certainly not in such a mundane and obvious presentation as this humble blog may offer. We hope that this may act as a conduit to the genuine immersive experience for the reader in the future.

Somewhat opposed to the routine of context free display, hanging from some whitewashed wall in a lofty open plan building, the artist has been known to work in erratic bursts with no thought of revealing her stunning creations beyond the room in which they were crafted. It is clear that she experiences fleeting moments of artistic clarity before her mind is onto the next work and the last is entirely discarded.

And so the exhibition is simply, a box.

A box of works which span almost five years of a shifting, ever quizzical flamboyant mind. Sublime art which cascades from subject specific conceptual creation to thought provoking abstract imagery and weaves the endless stems of drab reality with an exuberant universe which only exists behind her busy eyes.

One of the curiosities of this unique exhibit lies in its temporally teasing, ever evolving display. As we were amongst the first to experience the works, the collection was in a chronological format. Her latest works were the last entered into the collection and therefore at the top of the box. We saw the last paint from the brush in the very first work. As time goes on, and the collection is scrutinised, examined, enjoyed by countless hands and eyes, the order will change. Things will be disorderly returned, out of context. There are no labels, no number system, no way of knowing for sure, what went where. This is all part of the journey. The first and last people to experience the collection will have very different experiences.

Home is where the Mind Bends

These surreal introductions to the home entice a myriad of questions. There is a discernible shift in the concept of a ‘home’ happening before our eyes. Is it the bastion of comfort and security we are trained to believe a home should reflect? Is there something more within the walls, an escape from the harshness of the world beyond. Are there horrors haunting the delicate bricks and fragile windows, scratching at the invisible glass, false smiles and sunshine attempting to infiltrate the defences? Or is home simply a place the mind can wander and elongate, to stretch and feel safe, an oasis in a calamitous desert? Perhaps, it is a little bit of it all.

The World is but a Blur of Colour

There is something altogether mesmerising in this collection of impressionist landscapes. Do they represent specific memorable spaces, were they seen during daring travels and worldwide wanders before being committed to canvas when the memories had perhaps slightly melted into emotions? Or are these, as I suspect they may be, not in fact the landscapes of the physical realm, but those of the mind. Dreamscapes may be a more accurate term. The epic awe inspiring sunset over some mountain range may be the same as the gates of a hellish scorched underworld island, licked by the unforgiving ocean and surrounded by buzzard like monsters, a shock of wing and terror. In another we see a cauldron of grey clouds peppered with the occasional gap revealing a blue sky beyond. Or do we in fact look directly into the confused unsettled moment of anguish, when things didn’t quite add up, didn’t go the way they were meant to? The desired end is there just out of reach, as the constricting darkness envelops the remaining hope. Finally the green and yellow of our English countryside immediately calms the soul, unless perhaps what we are really witnessing is a sea of jealous envy and its slowly decaying swirls of melancholy. These mindscapes illustrate a maturing mind and an experimental moment of technique and ability.

Unlonely Soul

A clear inspiration to the artist are those who surround her daily life. They appear throughout the works in various guises and the impact they have on the artistic output is clear. Figures are given spiritual symbolism, not only in the depictions offered, but in coded messages hidden within the portraits, like an ancient puzzle to be unlocked. The characters are employed not only as interesting subjects, but as guides through the labyrinth of her dreamlike artistic universe. Other pieces suddenly make sense when somehow directed through the eyes of the guides. Some are caught in their own chaos, others are partnered and proud, but all are images of tender temptation.

Love in Other Fabrics

The artist is not simply interested in paint on canvas. This exhibition illustrates a wide range of technique and design improvisation. There are no limits to the materials for expression, yet in these outstanding works the vibrance of colour and sparkle are prominent. The symbolic vision of love and magic are continuous themes. A treasure of untold worth, the sporadic flutter of glittering jewels on a sea of white clouds, and in the foreground the most valuable of all treasures, a single bumble bee hovers, its colour more vibrant than any jewel could ever hope to achieve. A study in marine sinks the viewer into a world beneath the realms of human sight. And what a realm it is under the waves. Sunlight is rare but it dazzles from the tendrils of a beast in the deep green. Ancient patterns on its body perhaps an echo of some obscure deities creation message. Piercing eyes are all knowing, ever questioning. A tiny single star seems so insignificant against the aching heart beneath it, but it offers an ever present energy, the power of the burning sun to sustain the perils of the heart in an unpredictable world. A multitude of messages dance between these fabulous fabrics, each perfectly placed to tell a thousand forgotten stories.

The Wrong Impression

An earlier experimental phase of impressionism landscapes are found towards the bottom of the galleria box. These works represent an exploration in colour combination and an interpretation of visual stimulation from the world she inhabits. The first, in acrylics, reflects the cascading explosive power of the wave, or perhaps the unpredictable insanity of water ricocheting across the bathroom sink. The rapid movement almost appears visible, a fast flooding flight to the finish. Another explores the intricate life cycle of the leaf. Its wind battered branches dripping from the rain, ever shifting shades of green until the inevitable yellow of decay. A final work in this period is created in the favoured coloured wax. This inspiring image covers an entire landscape, endless fields of varied crop, sweeping ponds with an entire ecosystem of flora covering the still waters, a sky laced with every shade of afternoon autumnal angst. These works show the continuous courage of an artist unafraid to adventure, and never willing to settle on one single voice.

The Hand of God

Some of the artists early works are tactile treasures. Mindscapes etched with the hand, like the examples of art carefully imprinted onto the everlasting walls of cavernous natural temples at the beginning of human history. The message is clear. Some things are engrained in humanity. No culture or class, age or ideas can alter the undeniable desire to create. To wish to see our image in one way or another is as natural as breathing. Our hands create things beyond the necessary or mundane. We dream of pleasure, and we find joy in art.

The Beginning

As we reach the bottom of this cardboard encased collection, the earliest examples of the artist work emerge. Minimalist interpretations of the human form. This is a fascinating study. We visualise the pieces in reverse and witness the growing influence of humanity on the artist. And I do mean growth, the individuals blossom from simple lines into ballooning creatures with soul searching eyes. We are forced to understand the journey, forced to see and even experience just how far the artist has come. The challenges are beyond measure, from a world of unfathomable lines and circles to the complex intricacies of a global existence. Finishing at the beginning leaves a longing for those simpler thoughts. As the blocks collide, and the image grows, the wider picture continues to confuse and blur. An impossible puzzle which will never be completed, yet we continue to place the pieces together in the hope that the moments of joy will stay ahead of the moments of despair.

This exhibition will not see the walls of any national gallery, because it does not belong in those confined spaces. The works here will tell a different story to each and every visitor. A story of hope and love and a world of wonder and magic. By only contemplating the piece in the moment of its creation, the artist has created something truly honest. A window into the experience of creation.

A billion million stars out of ten.

Happy Mothers Day

In the infinite expressions of which we may consider it, there is nothing more important in this world than the mother. Mother gives life to the young, protects her children, is fertile and powerful, tender and kind. Mother comes in many forms but all of us are influenced by her presence. In almost all cultures and all ages, Mother is the parent of all things, the origin of everything.

The pantheons of godlike figures in which Mother is represented are endless and complex, but a common understanding that the mother represents the beginning and nurturing of life, prevails.

Prehistoric figurines representing mother goddesses have been discovered across the globe. She is often personified as full of life, plentiful and powerful. Carefully placed during important spiritual events, it is believed that many of these offerings were deposited in hope of pleasing mother earth and bringing good health or harvest.

In Egyptian mythology the mother goddess is considered to be of the sky rather than the earth. As Nut, she bore the stars and the god of the sun. The spirits of the dead travel to her to feast and be refreshed.

In Greek and Roman literature, we find Cybele, Ops, Demeter, Tellus, Mater Deum Magna Idaea, Agdistis and Rhea, variants of the same ideals, the mother of the Gods or worship of the great mother. A beginning to the intricate web of existence, for both the divine and the human worlds.

Celtic mother goddess Brighid presided over hearth and home, watching over women in childbirth whilst Danu was the earth mother goddess who suckled the gods and represented fertility, wisdom and the wind. Mother was symbolised in the mountains, in the forests and the wilds of the earth, her life force flowed with the seasons as she interacted with the gods of sky and ocean.

She is found too in Freya, Isis, Durga, Gaia, Mary, Izanami no Mikoto, Mut, Pachamama and so many more. Mother encompasses all life, all existence, all imagination and inspiration. As mother earth, she controls our worldly fortunes. As mother of the sky, she watches us from the endless eternities above.

For every mother out there, in whatever form that motherhood takes, thank you, you have our hearts. There should certainly be more than one day to celebrate motherhood.

So, from our Archaeofam to yours, Happy Mother’s Day X

PS – yes mum, I folded my clothes, got all my work done, made sure that Audrey was wearing the best fitting shoes for school and had eaten all her vegetables before writing this! Love you.

The Harlaxton Shuffle

You might ask yourself what John of Gaunt, the Jesuits, a mysterious international businessman with more family aliases than a Superhero franchise, the first brushless shaving cream, the Sherriff of Nottingham and the very first American University campus in Britain have in common.

Well, I can tell you, the answer is Harlaxton Manor.

I must admit, until Emily Archaeomum applied for a position at the University of Evansville, I had never heard of their study abroad campus at Harlaxton Manor, nor indeed Harlaxton Village. Emily was successful in her application, and so off we went to explore an estate steeped in intrigue, majesty and some rather confused chronologies.

Harlaxton sits on the outskirts of Grantham in Lincolnshire, a grand manor house surrounded by acres of gorgeous green countryside. As we arrived along winding country lanes, the splendour of the house rose into view, indeed an entire hillside had to be excavated in order for the impressive palace to be built. It is a remarkable architectural wonder, a traditional statement of elite residence, but not all was as it seemed.

The house has hints of Elizabethan architecture, but there is also Jacobean and Baroque in there, traces of continental influence are everywhere, a blend of stylistic treasures seamlessly forging a fashionable masterpiece. Yet the house is not as old as it first appears. I mean, it is pretty old, almost 200 years old in fact, but perhaps not as ancient as its image implies.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Audrey was here on business, the business of mystery solving, and this place was bursting with them.

We parked in the estate and walked up the grand driveway to the front entrance, all the while in awe of the enormity and splendour of this mansion. Stunning sculptures stared back at us from every precipice, lions, birds of prey, cherubs and I’m pretty sure we even spied a dragon.

Inside, things only got more decadent. The halls, corridors, state rooms and staircases are like something from a fairy-tale. Gold glittering fittings, shiny marble features, ornately carved wooden decorations, grand stone fireplaces and stunning antique furniture including some astonishing musical instruments. It was a little bizarre to see so many students dashing around such a place. Areas which are often only witnessed from behind rope barriers are simply the regular furnishings of this functional facility.

Of course, any building of this grandeur is guaranteed to contain a wealth of history and some fascinating stories. At Harlaxton though, the tales do not simply involve kings and knights, aristocrats and lavish elite living.

So, let’s start from the beginning. Harlaxton, as a place, is mentioned in the 1086 Domesday Book as Herlavestune, or Herelaf-Tun meaning the estate or farm of Herelaf. Before the current centrepiece was erected, another Harlaxton Manor existed. This Moated Manor house, which was situated closer to the current village, was built in the 14th century and is said to have been used as a hunting lodge by the infamous son of King Edward III and buddy of Geoffrey Chaucer, John of Gaunt.

The property and estate went through several hands before being purchased by the De Ligne family in the 17th century with whom it remained for some time. Things now begin to get interesting as our first curious rogues enter the fray. When Daniel De Ligne, High Sherriff of Lincolnshire and Knight of King James I, passed the estate to his son and then on to his grandchildren, the natural direct lineage of this family ceased. With no further children it seemed uncertain who would inherit the property.

Enter one George Gregory.

George Gregory was the De Ligne family lawyer. It appears Gregory somehow discovered the closest heir apparent, a descendant of Daniel De Ligne’s sister by the name of Anne Orton. Having made such an important discovery, Gregory conveniently married Anne and became the Lord of Harlaxton Manor and later even the Sherriff of Nottingham. Smooth.

Now, here is where the names begin to get a little ridiculous, try to stay with me. The estate passed to George Gregory’s son, George De Ligne Gregory. He had a brother called William Gregory, who changed his name after inheriting a family estate from his grandmother, Susanna Williams. So, William Gregory Williams (right??).

With no children himself, George De Ligne Gregory left Harlaxton to his nephew, the son of William Gregory Williams. This son, Gregory Williams (seriously?) also inherited his own father’s estate but took his uncles title with the inheritance and became, wait for it, Gregory Gregory (???).

Now I admit, I may have got that wrong, I got dizzy just typing it, but we can now move on to the next curious character in Harlaxton history, and the founder of the modern manor house, Gregory Gregory.

Only a little is known of this elusive figure. He appears to have attended Christ Church College, Oxford at age 19 where he studied Classics, Greek philosophy and Mathematics. He joined the local militia and became a Lieutenant Colonel in 1813. Interestingly, he may well have been involved in the Napoleonic Wars, mirroring the battles fought in France by John of Gaunt centuries earlier. He became a fellow of the Royal Horticultural Society in 1825 and of the Zoological Society of London in 1831.

Gregory Gregory seems to have had an appetite for foreign art and in the aftermath of the wars in France he, like many other English aristocrats, amassed quite a collection of French furniture and artworks from Paris. His next move following three years in France and Italy attached to certain embassies, was to build a home for his vast array of new acquisitions.

Harlaxton Old Manor had been sitting vacant and dilapidated for almost a century by the time Gregory Gregory inherited the estate, along with coal mines, canal and rail companies, considerable property across the midlands and a small fortune. Gregory had the Old Manor house pulled down, only the Balustrade’s, an Iron Gate and some curious Griffin statues were reused in the new build, though there are rumours that some marble interior floors are relics of the ancient dwelling. The architect hired to design the new look Harlaxton, Anthony Salvin, was commissioned to sketch the old Manor before it was pulled down. Had he not, there may have been no visual record of this incredible ancient residence.

A hillside was excavated, and Harlaxton Manor rose majestically onto the landscape. What a creation it was. Though Salvin is credited as architect, Gregory was probably responsible for the mix of architectural styles and perhaps even some of the layout. He would not live to see Harlaxton completed though. Despite overseeing the construction and being instrumental in many of its quirky curiosities, Gregory Gregory died of gout complications in 1854. He left a substantial gift in his will to his “confidential servant” Samuel Baguley. Samuel was named prior to anyone else, indicating an unusual level of importance for a butler. What I wonder, did Samuel have intimate knowledge of?

The intrigues of Gregory Gregory continue. The only known portrait of the secretive international businessman, disappeared under mysterious circumstances. His only remaining contemporary likeness is a profile carved into the ceiling. Secrets and curiosities seem to surround this unusual figure.

Following his death, the estate bounced around a number of not-quite family members. It was used as military barracks and training facilities during the first world war and continued as a home until eventually it was put up for sale in 1937. Had it not been purchased, the Manor was set to be demolished, but it was rescued by arguably Harlaxton’s most fascinating resident, Violet Van Der Elst.

Violet deserves a book of her own, in fact I believe there have been books written about this astonishing character. An eccentric self-made millionaire, entrepreneur, social campaigner and claimed descendant of Sir Guy Gundry, an Elizabethan Sea Dog, Van Der Elst was instrumental in the abolition of the death penalty in Britain. She also invented the first brushless shaving cream. One of the most unusual aspects of her life though, was her obsession with the world of the occult.

Violet had been interested in the supernatural long before her purchase of Harlaxton Manor, but now she had a perfect platform for her experimental attempts to explore the realms beyond our own. Harlaxton was rumoured to house several disturbed spirits. A spectral grey lady was often seen walking along the blue corridor during the night, and there had been a well engrained story of a De Linge baby, prophesised to die before a month old. A nanny had been ordered to keep constant watch and care of the child. She had been so overworked that she fell asleep from exhaustion. As she slept, the baby fell from her arms and into a fire. Baby’s screams and muffled cries have frequently been heard throughout the vast corridors of the eerie mansion.

Despite the abundance of ghostly occupants, it was her own husband with whom Violet wished to connect. John Van Der Elst, a Belgian artist, had died years earlier from a ruptured ulcer and Violet had been devastated by the loss. Apparently, his ashes can be found still, in an urn in the entrance hall where Violet placed him decades ago. Mourning him would not be enough. Violet converted the old library at Harlaxton into a room in which to conduct seances. With the windows draped in dark curtains, the space adorned with pitch black furnishings and herself dressed head to toe in midnight black garments, she tried every means possible to contact the spirit of her dearly departed love. It is not clear whether she managed to reach John, but the intensity of unexplainable occurrences at the Manor seems to have wildly increased following her exploits.

Violet Van Der Elst gave up on Harlaxton after the Second World War and sold the property to the Jesuits, who converted the house into a Noviate. She died in 1966 but perhaps her legacy remained with the house she once occupied.

Multiple occurrences of a woman in black robes or a black dress have been seen around the house, footsteps are frequently heard in the halls, yet no one can be seen. Loud bangs and screams are regularly witnessed from empty rooms and corridors. The scent of cigar smoke has been witnessed in the old servant quarters, doors and furnishings are said to open and close of their own accord, vases have been seen levitating, objects moving by themselves. Many residents have mentioned a feeling of being followed through the manor despite knowing they were alone, and glimpsing strange forms of figures where there were none. A number of occupants in a particular room at differing times admitted to suffering terrible nightmares and waking up to see a subhuman face close to their own, or a creepy dark robed figure hovering in the room.

It is said that when the Jesuits purchased Harlaxton Manor, there were such an abundance of unexplainable disturbances that they had to conduct severe exorcisms of the property. Shrieks were heard bellowing from the chimneys, but the hauntings appear to have continued even after the Jesuits eventually sold the property in the 1960’s.

So why do I mention these strange folk tales you ask. Well, curiously, during Emily’s first stay at Harlaxton, she was given a bedroom beside Violet Van Der Elst’s old library. That night, the room was terrifying, it was so bad Emily booked into a nearby Travelodge. Later she would learn that she was not alone in her inability to remain in the room, many had suffered the same issue, but only there in that specific part of the house. In another rather bizarre experience, we visited the library and witnessed the piano play two notes entirely by itself, no one close enough to have touched the keys. An electric bin is also known to be active in the library, without human intervention. Perhaps these occurrences are caused by a surge or electrical fault (it is an electric piano) or perhaps…

The next day I even noticed a number of scratches on my back which I cannot explain, though they may simply have been from an over excited 4-year-old who needs her nails clipping a bit.

Whatever the cause, you have to admit, despite its relative youth, Harlaxton is fascinating. The history of Harlaxton is filled with riddles, secrets and seances. I haven’t even begun to discuss the mysterious interiors, secret passages and doorways, four of the seven deadly sins depicted in marble, multiple images of Hercules, tapestries and art depicting mythical tales, trojan heroes, saintly sorcery, foreign idols, fantasy creatures and more. At the summit of the Cedar staircase, a statue of Father Time is depicted with a genuine scythe and the floor plans of Harlaxton Manor in his hand. What does all this symbology represent, is it the random collections of eccentric owners, or is something hidden amongst these symbols, is there a deeper meaning? Could there be a reason why Gregory Gregory built the Manor in the way he chose, or why Violet Van Der Elst believed she could contact the dead and immerse herself in the occult here? We have not even begun to explore the vast gardens and estates, but a glance at the OS map shows curious features, springs and wells, caverns and forests, hills and streams. Ancient occupied landscapes revered the site long before either Manor House was conceived. It is surely no coincidence that a frequent visitor to the Manor was Mrs Hargreaves, previously known as Alice Liddell, the real-life model for Alice in Wonderland!

This was the reason Audrey was so keen to explore, these were the questions that drove her to run around the rooms, feet clapping against the polished wooden floors, a maniacal possessed grin on her face as she experimented with the varying echoes produced by high ceilings with ornate plaster work. There are many mysteries inside and out of this incredible architectural feat. Fortunately, we have some time to get to the bottom of them. Down the rabbit hole we go.

We will be sure to keep you updated on our progress.

As the sun fell beyond the tree lined hilltops, we bid a temporary farewell to Harlaxton Manor and watched it disappear in the rear-view mirror. We truly were awestruck by its beauty. A stunning, strange architectural masterpiece so inspired and affected by common continental influence yet perfectly nestled in a beautiful English countryside setting.

From our Archaeofam to yours,

Goodnight.

Isle be back!

There were tales of a misty island, full of magic and wonder, lying just across a small stretch of turbulent ocean. It was an island full of folklore, fantasy and infamy. Kings and Queens, witches and warlords, minstrels and magicians all dwelled upon this little emerald gem, and at its heart, a fiery furnace of fantasy had lain dormant for eternities. It was an island so close to the gods, that their touch could be plainly felt in the wild conditions of its extremities. Most importantly, this island was not so far distant from us that the effects of an ongoing pandemic existence could restrict our careful expedition.

We set out on a voyage of discovery, our furthest in quite some time, an odyssey of intrigue, to explore the spectacular scenic curiosity of the Isle of White.

Audrey was keen to ensure our investigations were a success and so the travel inventory was extensive. Tents, utensils, headquarters, even a toilet, all crammed into the back of the trusty transport, with us humble adventurers squeezed between.

After a substantial drive, we made the port of Portsmouth, our platform to reach the beautiful Island just visible across the rolling ocean, through the hazy morning mist. Portsmouth was a maze of old roads and historic buildings, scattered amongst new builds and modern technological wonders. The port is vast and some of the vessels here are more like seafaring cities, huge floating hulks built for epic long-distance voyages to unimaginable worlds.

Whilst our journey would explore an awe-inspiring isle, it was not one of such intense distance, and our ferry voyage was comfortable and swift. The brisk ocean breeze and dazzling sunlight made the trip exhilarating and a bottle of Isle of White brewed beer only added to the refreshing experience.

As we neared the island, strange and magnificent monuments peered down upon us from the tree peppered hillsides, an ever-casting eye on our approach. Was our character being tested at this early stage? Audrey looked on heroically; she was certainly a well worthy wanderer.

After disembarkation, the drive through the island was pleasant, only stalled as we made our way through the central mini-metropolis of Newport, where a historic townscape is now furnished with all the amenities of modern living. Eventually, we arrived at our base camp, nestled beneath a canopy of trees, hugging the luscious green valley beneath and beautifully isolated from the humdrum of humanity.

Once our temporary home base was all set up, and an invigorating tea was fully consumed, it was time to get to work. We had heard stories of strange happenings on this island, bizarre occurrences at some of the most time-worn monuments, a shiver down the spine of the ancient isle. Could it be connected? Could it be that Ollpheist, the Mother of all Dragons, was stirring from her slumber? Could the nation’s subterranean saviour have been roused into action?

Our first tiptoe into the mystery began at Yarmouth Castle. Building work began at this castle in 1547, to protect against the fear of French invasion. From its brave bastion, the sites of shipwreck and seashores smother the horizon. The Santa Lucia was lost off the coast nearby in 1567, a Spanish merchant vessel that may have foundered before reaching the harbour of Yarmouth. The sturdy stone walls of Yarmouth Castle have withstood centuries of defence, straddled bravely atop the dragon’s tail. Yet now they buckled, the winds whipping over the walls, its guns aimed at invisible foes.

Audrey led us through the castle, fearlessly investigating the surroundings, certain that the clues we required lay hidden nearby. She took notes and tested the battlements before demanding a strategic break for ice cream. One delicious chocolate cone and a stroll around the village later and it was time to continue our examinations.

Our next stop was of vital importance. If the dragon truly stirred, we would need to see it for ourselves.

When sleeping dragons ache, it is their tails that first awake.

The needles lie at the furthest western point of the Island. They jut from the ocean like sharpened knives, slicing the blue waters in stuttered blasts. The trek to this distant treasure involved an ever-increasing climb to the heavens, with stunning views of the choppy channel on one side and the humped spine of the sleeping dragon on the other. Here the extremities of a liminal world are felt most fiercely. We battled the howling winds, violent whispers from the gods themselves. Finally, we reached the summit and stared over the tip of the dragon’s tail. It did not flinch to our eyes, though it felt as though the entire island shook in some great rage, up there on that peninsula peak.

Our investigations of the day complete, we ventured back to camp. Night crept in, a darkness beyond the normality of night. The campfire burned brightly and our spirits were raised by the warmth as we enjoyed a beer, cider, juice, and tea. Then to bed, a cosy tent for our family snuggle, Bramble stretching out over half the space, and the rest of us huddled in our sleeping bags for warmth.

We woke early, as is always the case for Audrey, so much to do, so much to see, so much to explore. Of course, there were the usual difficulties, too many bubbles in her morning milk and not enough rainbows in her breakfast bowl, everything too loud and not loud enough for a bright, brave four-year-old adventure princess.

The morning air was supernatural. As the fog rolled in, the veil between worlds thinned. The island slid beneath invisible realms and spirits swarmed across the hallowed shoals. Audrey knew all too well, the tales of Wihtgar and Stuf, of the sons of Arwald, of Princess Elizabeth, doomed daughter to that most unfortunate of monarchs, Charles I and even of old Jack. She took precautions and armed herself, for the protection of the party, her sturdy sword, and shield to save us all.

Our focus today would be Carisbrooke Castle, a fortress as old as the legends of the Island. The earthworks here had perhaps originated as a Roman fort, but certainly, a Saxon burial ground had been here and later a fortified settlement. Carisbrooke dominates a prominent hilltop of the island and was first constructed to protect against those vicious Viking raiders. After the Norman invasion of Britain, the Saxon burh was embellished with a strong stone defended enclosure. The castle remained a crucial stronghold of the island and survived centuries of dynasty and disaster.

During the English Civil War, Carisbrooke fell into Parliamentary control and gained the most famous of prisoners, none other than King Charles I. His children were also imprisoned in the castle and his daughter, Elizabeth died there at the tender age of 14. Despite desperate attempts by Charles to escape his captivity, the prison was unbreakable and Charles would not see freedom.

With so many tortured souls on this tiny rock, it was little wonder the dragon stirred. Not least because these turbulent histories had left a legacy of spilled blood on sacred soil, nor because the unity of humans became so fractured in this ancient land, but worse, the fierce fortunes of the island were in danger because Ollpheist was being forgotten, the only true reason for the Mother of all dragons to stir.

Not so much forgetting the stories of this ancient creature, for the traditions continue well, but the problem lies in the belief. Our impatient twenty-first-century attentions focus on modern luxuries, grinding the mystical side of our minds thin. Dreams of dragons and magic are buried deep beneath the monotonous mountain of the mundane. She is forgotten, or at least she is no longer real to us, and so she stirs.

It was important that we altered the island’s delicate fate. There was only one hope; we would need to soothe the soul of this sleeping giant. And so we rushed to a place of deep connection and spiritual power of the land, to Quarr Abbey. If any place held the power of hope, belief, and island strength, it was here. Quarr, named for its stone quarries from the earliest of histories, was occupied by Cistercian monks in 1132 who built a significant church here on the coastal reaches of the island. It had clearly always been an area of some importance. A deeper power resided in the earth and a magic emanated from the ocean spray which caressed its banks. An Abbey flourished on the site, particularly thanks to the great trade in wine that passed through from French shores. The Monks were evicted from the Abbey in 1536 following the dissolution of the monasteries and the beautiful building fell into disrepair. It wasn’t until 1907 when the poet of brick, Dom Paul Bellot, built the stunning monastery nearby, a spectre of the ancient Abbey and a monument in use to this day.

It was in this incredible space that Audrey whispered words of unconditional kindness and offered the sort of unfaltering belief only a child may possess in a world so full of rule and regulation. With our hearts in our mouths, we anxiously awaited a sign... or a signal for escape.

Audrey smiled, her words had been true, Ollpheist would sleep soundly again, secure that her memory lived on, so long as Audrey’s adventure would be written on the modern manuscripts of our age. The mother of all Dragons would find her way into the minds of those who perhaps had not heard of her courageous charge and her stealthy slumber could continue unmolested.

With the day almost done, we made our weary way back to the ferry, for a final voyage over the deep blue sea. The waters gently swayed in the regular breath of the sleeping Draconem. We bid the delightful Isle of Wight a fond farewell, and enjoyed a final island ale to toast our adventure.

To sleeping Dragons, may they forever rest peacefully in our hearts

Look to the Pevens...ey

5, 4, 3, 2... 1! We have ignition! The space rocket ‘red-tent’ lifts off and brave Captain Audrey prepares her motley crew for an unrivaled exploration beyond the limits of the known universe. To boldly go where no Archaeobeeb has gone before is the mission. Intelligence has indicated an incredible substance in realms unknown, perhaps capable of prolonging life itself! Who knows what dangers await? Who can tell what wonders may be witnessed?

...and who doesn’t love a good space adventure? Basking in the open expanse of the heavens, living with just a bag or two of necessary possessions, simple food, focused minds and enjoying our wild and wonderful galaxy firsthand?

Whilst it remains difficult to book any kind of travel across planet earth, space travel in our trusty ‘red-tent’ rocket is a perfect opportunity to escape. We have certainly fallen in love with the cosy shuttle over the last year, heading out to some stellar locations that we might have otherwise missed.

Our latest intergalactic adventure was a voyage to the peculiar planet of Pevensey. Nestled between the well-known solar systems of Eastbourne and Hastings, Pevensey is a little treasure, packed with a veritable universe of historical intrigue and impressive architecture.

Before we could fully engage in our objective, we needed to set up a base upon the far moon of Herstmonceux. It was uncharted territory. We were the very first humans to set foot on this unspoiled landscape, testing the untouched terrain on a wonderful patch of cosmic countryside. This was the first opportunity to challenge our understanding of the universe. Captain Audrey checked the atmosphere for safety and gave the order to go forth and explore.

Herstmonceux is a tantalising treat for any budding intergalactic adventurer. During the Neolithic period, the ocean reached much further inland than today. Evidence of activity has been recorded all along this ancient coastline. An abundance of flint tools have been discovered in and around what would have been rich coastal woodland. During the immediate pre-Roman period, the elevated area became an important burial ground and perhaps ritual centre, with a number of cremation burials in Roman-style urns unearthed.

Over time the location became the estate of a prominent Anglo Saxon family, (hyrst being Anglo Saxon for a wooded hill) it was transferred to Drogo De Monceux, a great-grandson of William the Conqueror, following the Norman Invasion of England. Drogo’s son, Ingleram, married Idonea De Herst and so the Herstmonceux line was born.

Herstmonceux Castle was extended from a manor house in 1441 by Sir Roger Fiennes, a descendant of the Herstmonceux’s, who had fought alongside King Henry V at Agincourt and later became treasurer of the household of King Henry VI. The castle passed through the family, along with titles old and new, until Thomas Fiennes, 9th Baron Dacre, inherited the lands in the 1530s. Thomas appears to have been quite the gangster and led a poaching escapade into a rival’s territory which ended in the murder of a gamekeeper. Thomas Fiennes was found guilty of the murder, led from a cell in the Tower of London to a noose at Tyburn, where he was hanged for his crime.

The estates were confiscated by Henry VIII but would later be reinstated by Queen Elizabeth and remained in the family until the early 18th century, when another Thomas, Lord Dacre, blew his family fortune on over extravagant indulgences and gambling and was forced to sell the property. The castle fell into disrepair and was gutted to create a ruinous gothic folly for aesthetic tourism purposes. It wasn’t until the 20th century when the castle was renovated and gradually restored to its current magnificence.

We set out on a mini-expedition to secure the base, forage, and explore. The castle was heavily fortified and well prepared for space invaders, yet we managed to gain access through its imposing gateways and into the alien architecture beyond. The gardens were spectacular and the vast array of stunning extraterrestrial species was a thing to behold, a cacophony of colour exploding in all directions. Captain Audrey took the lead, guiding us past perilous moonstruck mazes, around hostile alien creatures, and through tricky exotic terrain. We made our way into a gloomy wooded area, with strange gravity-less mechanisms and unusual pyramid structures dotted throughout the undergrowth, evidence of intelligent life perhaps, certainly it gave us the confidence we were on the right track.

Then we spied it, a huge intergalactic control centre on the peak of the imposing hill, with futuristic garden green domes penetrating the lush canopy of dense woodland that had disguised it so well until now. Surely this was the great eye in the sky? Surely this was the security required to protect something special?

Carefully hacking into the mainframe computers, we learned the unique history of these enormous space pimples. As the city of London expanded, and false light encroached upon the Royal Observatory at Greenwich, a new location was required for the astronomical scientific equipment. Herstmonceux was chosen thanks to its remote hilltop location and in 1958 the work was completed, with its green, telescope housing domes dominating the skyline. The Royal Greenwich Observatory Herstmonceux no longer functions as it was originally designed. The complex is now a centre for space and science education and the phenomenal telescopes were dismantled and relocated to the Canary Islands. Yet it was once the pinnacle of scientific space exploration.

Being careful not to be discovered by the great eye in the sky, we found supplies, investigated a number of anomalies, some further bizarre constructions, and a wild unusual alien life form. With our reports complete, Captain Audrey directed us onwards to complete our primary mission. It was time to blast off to Planet Pevensey.

The name Pevensey comes from the Anglo Saxon personal name of Pefen, along with ea meaning river, and so River of Pefen. The most dominant architectural feature of this ancient town is its spectacular Shore Fort. Constructed in the 290’s AD, the fort protected the Roman populous from increasing barbarian raids of the Saxons and Jutes. It was at Pevensey that William the Conqueror landed his invasion troops in 1066. The incredible defensive Shore Fort was strengthened following the invasion and a castle was built within the walls. Robert, Count of Mortain, half brother of William, built upon these defenses, and much of that original stonework remains today, despite multiple attempts to demolish the fortress throughout the years. It even became a prison for some time, with James I of Scotland amongst its most famous prisoners, such was the impenetrable nature of its defences.

Captain Audrey cautiously directed us through the ancient battlements. She was certain that such a defensive structure was key to the mystery of this perplexing planet. We followed through the high stone walls, intricately arching above us with an ominous presence, built to inflict an awe-inspiring terror. The blazing sun beat down upon us, such a heat emitted from that spectacular star, we were forced to don our most protective apparel. Having scouted the structure, we were strangely lured towards a wide expanse of gleaming gold and blue in the distance.

Was this it, the substance we had traversed the heavens to discover, the life rejuvenating wonder, hidden in an alien landscape, the treasure our fearless and fantastic Captain had so keenly sought?

Audrey led the way, the golden band spread before us, a billion tiny golden brown bulges from horizon to horizon and beyond it... blue, endless perfect gleaming blue.

We landed our small search craft and set up a makeshift base in a defendable position. Our experiments would require a certain amount of time and careful consideration. Captain Audrey set us to work and immediately made for the beautiful blue. It was all we had dreamed it would be. New life pulsated through our veins as the refreshing liquid consumed our baking bodies. Bramble relished the cool freedom it furnished, despite being somewhat unsure of what lay beneath! Perhaps it was in the name all along, the River of Pefens, emptying its eternal treasures into the oceans beyond. Our mission had been a success. Our exploration had revealed otherworldly wonders. It was time to head back to our moon base of Herstmonceux.

As we prepared for our final flight through the galaxy, the closest bright blazing star fell beyond the line of gently swaying trees and a billion balls of fire sketched a vast complex pattern on the inky black curtain above. Swirling clusters of light illustrated all manner of heavenly bodies. The flame of our ‘red-tent’ rocket ship warmed our weary bodies, and as we gazed into the eternal endless night, a shower of lights swooped across the sky like the tip of a conductor’s baton, a stunning symphony of wondrous wandering stars.

Tomorrow we would fly for earth, but for tonight, with beer, blankets, the Perseid meteors and loved ones close by, we were truly amongst the gods.

There and YAC again

In a hole in a Bridge, there lived an Audrey. Not a nasty, dirty, wet Bridge, filled with cobwebs and bird poo, nor a dry bare Bridge with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat. It was a TonBridge, and that means comfort.

By some curious chance, just the other day in the quiet of Tonbridge, where there was less noise and more green, Audrey was standing at the door after breakfast eating an enormous chocolate ice cream, when a wizard came by!

The Wizard Neil, if you only knew a quarter of what I know about him, and I only know very little of all there is to know, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable tale. Tales of adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion.

This particular Wizard had a very important place on our little island. It was his sworn duty and his life’s work to protect all the castles and the treasures, the fortresses and the fountains, the tombs and the tunnels, the sites steeped in magic and myth, and the places that made us who we are today. 

In his spare time, the Wizard Neil also doubled as the executive director of the Council for British Archaeology. He had not been down this way for ages and ages, but on this particular morning, he was looking for someone to share in an adventure he was arranging.

Though apprehensive at first, Audrey’s undeniable thirst for adventure could not be quelled, and along with some short-hairy companions (Myself and Bramble) and a beautiful elfish princess (Emily Archaeomum) we set out on a quest that would be remembered for... days at least!

The quest was plunged into peril almost immediately. Not too far from home, as we wandered into the mysterious wild, the expedition was ambushed by a gang of greedy trolls. These creatures, we learned, were keen to gobble up the funds of archaeological academia. Several victims had already suffered the fatal consequences of these gluttonous ghouls. Thankfully, the wise Wizard Neil knew of a cunning plan to confuse the foolish trolls. An intrepid band of warriors from the north, led by Courageous Chloe and Dashing David had drawn up a troll-busting manifesto. Neil set the plan in motion and as the trolls argued amongst themselves, the sun rose on the brutish beasts and their greedy schemes turned to stone and crumbled to dust.

The Wizard Neil led us to a stunning elfish paradise on a mountain top. Here an elder elf revealed certain secrets to assist us on our adventure. She told us of the magical Cobham Wood Mausoleum. This ancient mausoleum had been forged by great Dwarf architects, to hold the mortal remains of the Earls of Darnley beneath a vast stone pyramid. It was a construction that had cost the riches of a kingdom to create, yet the gods did not approve of the tomb, deeming it too beautiful for the earth and so cursed the mausoleum. It remained empty of humans for all eternity and this is why the Elves had made it their home, safe from interruption.

We continued on our adventure, finding ourselves plunged into the depths of darkness beneath misty mountains. This perilous corrupt underworld was suffocating. Goblins roamed here, governing by fear. These vile creatures had once been just like us, but greed and selfish ambition had corrupted their souls. They had severed ties with the continent during the famed Orxit ordeal, demoralising the heart of the nation and its workforce. The Goblins had us surrounded. It was only with the most powerful of magic that the wise Wizard Neil was able to rescue us from these fiends, blinding the foes with the crystal of common sense; we were just able to flee.

Audrey found herself alone during the melee. In the midnight labyrinth of mountain passageways, she discovered a tiny circular treasure, a gleaming ring with the gift of invisibility. Unsure what to do with the treasure she slipped it into her pocket before continuing through the maze, where she stumbled upon a rare and desperate being. This strange and reclusive creature challenged Audrey to a game of riddles but had treachery in mind.

“How can the past benefit present and future generations?” it asked.

Fortunately, Audrey had a quick mind and clever wit.

“Archaeology unearths new information on our past, improves the ties to our heritage, and provides economic means for our future” she replied.

Having solved the rapscallion’s riddles, she countered with one of her own.

“Why is the wealth of a few worth more than the heritage of so many?”

The creature was stunned. It agonisingly wailed in lament, having no answer. Audrey used the confused breakdown to escape from its cruel clutches and sped from the mountain.

Much to our joy, Audrey appeared safely from the mountains and embraced us ecstatically. We had barely escaped the gruesome goblin horde and their wicked wolf companions but were pursued by them in our flight through the wild. Had it not been for the asylum of a skin-changing Great Beer... Seller, we might have been lost. The refuge was homely and warm, with very welcome refreshments and the safety and security of our mysterious host. We enjoyed a chance to relax and make plans for the future of the expedition. Audrey danced and sang in the welcome warmth. It was precisely what we needed, but our quest called, so after a brief break, we set off again.

We found ourselves in a dense murky wood. The trees were close and claustrophobic, light danced between the branches, causing all kinds of tricks to play out before our eyes. Audrey dashed this way and that, splashing in the haunting mirror-like pools and trampling the swampy squishy mud. Despite Bramble’s close guard, danger approached. A tangle of webs had been spun upon the ancient trunks of archaeological investigation. Together, they formed an illusion that archaeology was a barrier to development. It was a complex fabrication by villainous creatures desperate to ensnare us in their trap and suck away our life.

Fortunately, Audrey was equal to their cunning and had etched incantations into powerful amulet stones, such as Archaeology makes up just 0.13 % of all construction spending, making it a tiny expense and professional archaeological intervention at an early stage prevents delays and saves up to £1.3 billion for construction companies. Slipping on her magic ring, she launched the stones at the spiders. One was a direct hit! It read, fewer than 0.01 % of planning applications are rejected for reasons including archaeology: archaeology is almost never the sole reason that construction does not take place. Audrey bravely led the spiders away and came back to rescue us from the tangle of their deceptive webs.

After a tricky tussle with some wood elves and a brief stop for ice cream in the lake village of the humans, we finally reached the Lonely Mountain of Tonbridge, the Dragon’s lair. The Wizard Neil directed us through the winding passageways to the heart of the lair, where Audrey discovered the dozing demon upon its treasure horde. The dragon, Jaycubri Smaug, was a most specially greedy, strong, and wicked worm. Audrey was not afraid and with the deft and nimble skill of a burglar, she crept into the lair and discovered the weakness of the hideous dragon, its yellow belly!

In fury, Jaycubri Smaug rose into the thunderous skies and threatened destruction on all of archaeology forevermore. From its flared nostrils, it shot scorching plumes of planning permissions and budget cuts. The world cowered in fright at this fearsome beast; heritage teetered on the brink of defeat... until a hero emerged!

The Brave Bard of Backfill and brand new Council for British Archaeology President, Raksha, fired a single direct arrow into the foul yellow belly of the dragon, ending its cruel reign of terror once and for all, practically saving archaeology and heritage in a single stroke!

There was no time for celebration, however, as the evil armies of governing goblins and wicked wolves were fast approaching. Their swelling numbers seemed immeasurable, their threat impossible to withstand.

Only the joint strength of three great armies prevailed. The commercial, community, and academic armies combined their efforts, and together with the Wizard Neil, Heroic Raksha, Courageous Chloe, and Dashing David, we fought hard and won the day. A powerful symbol of a just cause, the battle of these five armies highlighted Commercial archaeology’s contribution of almost £250 million to the economy. With the famous blade of heritage tourism, they supported 386,000 jobs, contributing over £20 billion to the UK's GDP, constantly reinvigorated by fresh archaeological discoveries. It was a famous victory that would be sung by poets and troubadours in tantalising tales for all time.

Exhausted but victorious, it was time for us to head for home. We said fond goodbyes to new friends and old and bid farewell to the wise Wizard Neil, who promised to return and enjoy our next Archaeofam adventures. Audrey looked puzzled.

“You know of our adventures?” she asked

“You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Audrey Archaeobeeb, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!"

"Thank goodness!" said Audrey laughing, and handed him an ice cream.

It had been a most wondrous expedition for a brave little burglar, who slept soundly in her bed, dreaming of the safe and accessible heritage of her little island home.

From our Archaeofam to yours,

Namárië